George Bush Shrank The Cadbury Creme Egg
Monday, March 31st, 2008This Easter, when I finally got my hands on a box of 4 delicious Cadbury Creme Eggs, something strange happened. I opened up the box and removed the first egg, and paused. "Weren't they supposed to be bigger?" I thought. "Like the size of a normal egg? An average chicken egg?" Desperate to alleviate the doubt and get back into the swing of enjoyment, I quickly rationalized that "They must have always been this way," and "Maybe this is like when Robin Williams felt like Neverland was smaller upon returning as an adult in 'Hook.'"
So, ok, shrug it off, nothing to worry about. I did exactly what we all yell at the people in the movies not to do. You're a character in the movie, minding the Wal-Mart. Greeting the customers. "Hello, welcome to Wal-mart. Hi there, welcome to Wal-mart." Double take. Thinking, "Say, did that guy come in with a chain saw? …Nah."
Five minutes later your lifeless corpse rests on the floor, bathed in a pool of your own blood!!! All because you lived in denial of the truth! A truth that is reluctantly revealed…
Turns out a celebrity with an obsession even greater than mine for Cadbury Creme Eggs has been keeping score, and set the record straight on national television that there had indeed been a cover up, and it goes all the way to the top.
Wikipedia has another piece of the puzzle regarding the Eggs, saying that "before 2006 they are listed with a weight of 39 grams, while today they are listed at 34 grams."
Did you hear about the Wii? I read that the reason there was a shortage in the U.S. was the weakness of our dollar. It was more profitable to provide Europe with an abundance of Wiis than to correct the U.S. shortage, at least until now. Finally European demand has calmed down enough to justify increasing the U.S. supply.
So what happened? The U.S. dollar was weak. The Euro was strong. Nintendo could have jacked up the prices in the U.S., but instead they diverted their product elsewhere.
Could this be what happened with the Cadbury Creme Egg? I think so.
A lot of people have mentioned the page on the Cadbury site that told the lie of "You're just getting bigger!" Near the bottom of this page is the list of FAQs that has been referenced, which has since been corrected to cover up the overt misguidance of the masses. As of Monday, March 31, 2008, the relevant Q & A reads:
As the world's largest confectionery company, Cadbury Schweppes is committed to developing great-tasting products that consumers love. Since people's preferences vary from market to market, so do our products. This is reflected in the broad variety of sizes and flavors of products that we offer our consumers worldwide.
If you're eating a Cadbury Crème Egg in the UK or Canada - nothing has changed, they're the same size as ever. However, in the United States, our business partner, Hershey, elected to reduce the size of the crème egg.
Cadbury Eggs remain a consumer favorite and continue to be an excellent value. We apologize for any confusion or misleading information."
So, Cadbury Schweppes calls up its little buddy Hershey in the U.S. "Your dollar has decreased in value. We will give you two options. Your Cadbury Creme Egg can remain the same size as it's always been, but it will cost you more from now on. Or, you can continue paying the old rate, and we'll simply reduce the size of your eggs by 13%, from 39 grams to 34."
Hershey's deliberates. "Option number 2," comes their reply.
The smaller Eggs are put into production, and a few disappointed consumers send in emails requesting an explanation. Cadbury Schweppes pretends everything is right as rain. Acid rain.
They never thought someone would get wise. "Most people are too stupid to think for themselves, and will accept the first decent-sounding explanation as fact. We'll just say the perceived Egg shrinkage is really caused by them growing up! Mwa Ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha!"
So, how does this country's President tie in to all of this? Let's look at the steps it took for us to get here…
- Bush mismanages the U.S. economy
- U.S. Dollar weakens
- Cadbury Schweppes starts losing money in the U.S.
- Cadbury Schweppes issues Hershey's its ultimatum
- Hershey's chooses to buy smaller Cadbury Creme Eggs
- Cadbury Schweppes deceives the American public as it pretends the Eggs have always been small
- B.J. Novak retrieves an old 39 gram egg and goes on national television
- Cadbury Schweppes changes its story after the fact and apologizes "for any confusion or misleading information."
I don't like being lied to, but here's a thought. If this lie happened, and was found out, there are probably a lot of other lies that nobody knows about. We must live in a world full of lies, and most people just don't think or worry about it. Some might even feel motivated to comment and provide their own personal justification in favor of those lies.
I don't really blame the President. I blame Hershey's and especially Cadbury Schweppes. I wish they would have just jacked up the price and kept the Egg the same size. At least then the unfortunate changes would have been out in the open from the beginning.
