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Asphalt, Aciphex, and Aspercreme


I was watching television, as I'm sometimes prone to do, and I encountered a Gatorade commercial saying, "Without sweat, [a sporting arena] is just [a meaningless location]." Like, without sweat, a baseball diamond is just an oddly designed lawn. I guess their argument makes a little sense, because most people sweat when playing sports, and if they're not sweating, they're probably not playing, which renders the sporting arena useless. But they threw in one phrase that stuck out for me… Without sweat, [something] is just a "patch of hot asphalt."

The first time I heard it, I thought, "Did they just say 'hot piece of asphalt?' Ha ha, clever… You brainwashers!" I figured they tossed in something that sounded sexual in order to grab a casual viewer's attention. Then, listening a second time, I think the phrase is closer to "patch of hot asphalt," but it still sounds a little risqué.

That made me think back to Homer Simpson's Mr. Plow days, when an old lady asked him if he would ever so kindly treat her driveway a bit more gently, as she was afraid he'd scratch the asphalt. He acknowledged her request, and then as he walked away he quietly muttered "Kiss my asphalt." Ha, asphalt!! Priceless…

I couldn't believe it when I saw a commercial for a new heartburn medication that acts as a "protein pump inhibitor." Ooh, cool, right out of Star Trek! Hey, wait, isn't that just antacid? I mean they said in the commercial that all it does is lower the acidity of your digestive fluids. Anyway, it has an interesting name. Aciphex. Pronounced "Ass Effects." And you need a prescription. "Doctor, will this affect my ass?" "No, your donkey should be just fine."

I thought that was interesting enough, and then I remembered a previously advertised product that subtly changed its slogan halfway through its ad campaign. Remember this old tune?: "You bet your sweet Aspercreme!" I guess too many 8-year-olds were going around repeating that to their teachers, and someone somewhere got wise to the situation. I believe the slogan ultimately changed to, "You bet if it's Aspercreme!" Subtle enough to make any confident TV viewer question his sanity. "Hey, didn't that used to be… I must be losing my mind!"

One final note… Asberger's! (Ass Burgers, For Donkeys)

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