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Archive for March 19th, 2008

Learn It Well, Learn It Quick!

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008

I wish we had a learning machine. I mean straight out of sci-fi, the kind of gizmo that could enable a chronic underachiever (Bart!) to become a whiz kid overnight. The next best thing, I guess, would be professional training. Today’s world seems centered on technology. And with the economy in a tailspin, individual entrepreneurship is making a comeback. So learning business and information technology (IT) is probably a good idea. But who has the time?

You do! Just learn online. Like the University of Phoenix. But to really get specialized training, you’ll probably want to go with a company like Global Knowledge (sounds cool, right, like knowing everything? Just call me Faust). GlobalKnowledge.com specializes in IT and business training. If you wanted, you could go to a special ITIL training facility or center. Or — you could train over the net.

How cool is it that we live in a world where learning is no longer limited to the classroom? Just pop online and upload knowledge to your brain! Well, not quite, but we’re getting there, thanks to companies like Global Knowledge.

I want global knowledge! No, universal knowledge! No, multiversal knowledge! No, omnipotence! But wait, where’s the fun in that? Hmm… If I was omnipotent this issue would be so much simpler…

ATM FROM CBN (Email Spam)

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008

Man! I'm so rich, I know so many professional people, and I'm in such good standing with Nigeria these days! I can't wait to spend my millions of dollars…

[Begin Email]

From: "UNITED NATIONS"
Subject: ATM FROM CBN
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2008 07:36:15 -0800

From The Desk Of
Prof. Charles Soludo
Governor, Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN)
SUBJECT: Immediate Release of Your FUND Via ATM CARD

Attention: ATM Card Beneficiary,
I wish to use this medium to inform you that your CONTRACT/INHERITANCE
Payment of USD$10,000,000.00 (Ten Million United States Dollars) from
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA have been RELEASED and APPROVED for onward
transfer to you via an ATM CARD which you will use to withdraw all the
USD$10,000,000.00 in any ATM SERVICE MACHINE in any part of the world,
but the maximum you can withdraw in a day is USD$10,000.00 Only
We have mandated CITI BANK IN NIGERIA to send you the ATM CARD and
PIN NUMBER which you will use to withdraw all your USD$10 Million
Dollars in any ATM SERVICE MACHINE in any part of the world, but the
maximum you can withdraw in a day is USD$10,000.00 Only.
You are therefore advice to contact the Head of ATM CARD Department of
CITIBANK NIGERIA
Contact Person: DR MICHEAL BROWN
TEL 234 80 22348461 OR 234 7027682725

Tell DR MICHEAL BROWN that you received a message from the CENTRAL
BANK OF NIGERIA. Instructing him to send you the ATM CARD and PIN
NUMBER which you will use to withdraw your USD$10 Million Dollars in
any ATM SERVICE MACHINE in any part of the world, also send him your
direct phone number and contact address where you want him to send the
ATM CARD and PIN NUMBER to you As you will take care of the little
insurance and shipment fees
We are very sorry for the plight you have gone through in the past
years. Thanks for adhering to this instruction and once again accept
our congratulations.
Best Regards.
Mrs brown
for
Prof. Charles C. Soludo.
Executive Governor,
Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN).

[End Email]

Sent from frnpresidency@gmail.com. Wow, a foreign Presidency? Wow, gMail?! I must really be making an impression.

Professor Soludo is so nice to acknowledge the "the plight [I] have gone through in the past years." How very kind. It has been tough. What with everything going on, and all. It will be nice to finally have access to an ATM card that can withdraw more than a couple hundred bucks at a time. $10,000, here I come! But I wonder if I can tweak things so that I can eliminate all those extra trips? It would be really great if I could just walk right up to the corner ATM, the one with the card-washing station, and withdraw the full Ten Million in one fell swoop. I think I'll give that a try tonight!

***Update: It didn't work.

Ha ha, fooled you! I didn't really try it. I just thought it was funny to picture someone going up to a random ATM and planning on taking out $10 million! That's crazy…

By the way, just in case you hadn't heard about this before, a card-washing station next to an ATM is usually a means for thieves to gain access to your card information and or funds. So don't wash your cards! Dirt is back in style.

Today’s Industrial Citizen

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008

I love technology. Things are moving so fast these days, updates and upgrades happen virtually overnight. Actually, I’m still waiting for major gains in CPU speed, but other than that it just seems like you can sit back and let economic competition build you a better tomorrow. People keep coming up with better, faster, safer, and cheaper tools that allow us all to accomplish more than ever before. I wonder what cities will look like in 50 years? Probably like gigantic circuit boards, with lights everywhere.

Usually when I come into contact with some super powerful tool, like an industrial strength magnet, it provokes a good amount of awe. I’m amazed I have access to such useful and powerful items. Like super flashlights, the kind that can be seen for miles away? Way stronger than anything a kid would ever have. Way stronger than disposable emergency lights. Industrial strength. And they’ve got lamps for everything — your driveway, your front yard… If you never wanted to live in darkness, you could go to MagnaLight.com and buy every light they offer. You’d probably have trouble falling asleep, but hey, some people don’t seem to need it. You could make your own Vegas in your back yard! But your neighbors might not be thrilled…

Seriously, access to military grade lights on MagnaLight.com — it’s amazing. It’s like NASA shows up and says, “Here, Beaver. Have a laser.” “Golly gee, Mr. Spaceman, thanks!” Then later, “Hey Ma, I made the dog disappear!”

MagnaLight has all kinds of lights, for around your house, but also for you car or truck (like roof mount lights), and regular handheld. But what’s so regular about a flashlight that operates more like a gun? “Bam! I blasted that tree good. Look at the size of that hole!” Lights so bright… And, I’m glad to see some are eco-friendly. That’s good, considering that one of the major actions we’re supposed to be taking is swapping out all our old light bulbs. Oh yeah, I better get on that…!

Asphalt, Aciphex, and Aspercreme

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008

I was watching television, as I'm sometimes prone to do, and I encountered a Gatorade commercial saying, "Without sweat, [a sporting arena] is just [a meaningless location]." Like, without sweat, a baseball diamond is just an oddly designed lawn. I guess their argument makes a little sense, because most people sweat when playing sports, and if they're not sweating, they're probably not playing, which renders the sporting arena useless. But they threw in one phrase that stuck out for me… Without sweat, [something] is just a "patch of hot asphalt."

The first time I heard it, I thought, "Did they just say 'hot piece of asphalt?' Ha ha, clever… You brainwashers!" I figured they tossed in something that sounded sexual in order to grab a casual viewer's attention. Then, listening a second time, I think the phrase is closer to "patch of hot asphalt," but it still sounds a little risqué.

That made me think back to Homer Simpson's Mr. Plow days, when an old lady asked him if he would ever so kindly treat her driveway a bit more gently, as she was afraid he'd scratch the asphalt. He acknowledged her request, and then as he walked away he quietly muttered "Kiss my asphalt." Ha, asphalt!! Priceless…

I couldn't believe it when I saw a commercial for a new heartburn medication that acts as a "protein pump inhibitor." Ooh, cool, right out of Star Trek! Hey, wait, isn't that just antacid? I mean they said in the commercial that all it does is lower the acidity of your digestive fluids. Anyway, it has an interesting name. Aciphex. Pronounced "Ass Effects." And you need a prescription. "Doctor, will this affect my ass?" "No, your donkey should be just fine."

I thought that was interesting enough, and then I remembered a previously advertised product that subtly changed its slogan halfway through its ad campaign. Remember this old tune?: "You bet your sweet Aspercreme!" I guess too many 8-year-olds were going around repeating that to their teachers, and someone somewhere got wise to the situation. I believe the slogan ultimately changed to, "You bet if it's Aspercreme!" Subtle enough to make any confident TV viewer question his sanity. "Hey, didn't that used to be… I must be losing my mind!"

One final note… Asberger's! (Ass Burgers, For Donkeys)